I Should Be Happy
If you've read this far, you wonder why on earth I would say that I should be happy. I wonder that myself.
But apparently I should.
Battle number two has been won... my husband has chosen to stay my husband.
No, that's not it... that wasn't the choice he made...
He chose to "do the right thing"
those were his words. Rather than to choose what his heart was crying out for him to do, he chose to "do the right thing."
Followed by "I thought that would make you happy" when I didn't leap for joy.
... ... ...
How is sitting here across from you and watching the torture that you are feeling supposed make me happy?
How can knowing that you are in pain make me happy? Especially when I somehow feel like I am part of the cause of that pain?
I know... I'm not the cause of it. I know that he caused it by the choices that he made and that this is one of his consequences... but then why do I feel like I'm to blame?
Because I love him, and I weap when he weaps. I feel pain when he feels pain. My heart breaks because his heart is breaking.
I want so desperately to take the pain away! I want to make him happy... but I don't know if I can.
If every we have needed prayer for our marriage, it is now. The real work and pain and agony and suffering begins now.
Am I thankful that he chose to keep our family together? Absolutely! But I can't honestly believe at this moment that he chose me. I will be happy when he tells me that he has chosen to spend his life with me again. When I'm no longer just "the right thing"
I never expected to feel this pain again.
I never expected that I would be the runner up.
The one that was no longer wanted.
The one that was no longer loved... again.
Yes, damage has been done. Real, true, deep and painful damage has been done. And honestly, I didn't expect that I would feel this pain if he made the choice to stay! I fully expected it if he chose to leave... but to stay? It seems so... backwards.
I am crying out to God moment by moment just to get through the day. Just to get through this day while my kids are home on Spring Break... while they are watching me process through this with no idea what has been going on for the past 7 weeks... or for the past 2 years.
I pray that he is also crying out to God to get through his first day working near her, but no longer alongside her. I pray that he is seeking God's strength to help him. I pray that he doesn't have second thoughts about the decision he made last night. I pray that he stays true to the commitment that he made last night. I pray that he can fully commit to us.
I want to be his confidant.
I want to be the person that brightens up his life.
I want to have our own secret language again.
I want to be his best friend again... because even in the midst of this, he still is my best friend.
I want to be the person that fills his thoughts.
I want him to look forward to coming home... because I am here.
I want him to be my husband again...
